Abuse

I know of an older, dying woman who has separated from her abusive husband but still lives in the same house with him. Her friend called his behavior "psychological torture". Long ago, she stopped herself from taking care of him, since he just takes advantage of her. "He doesn't hit me anymore" she said plainly, "he just throws things". Now that he's showing signs of dementia, he'll get assessed by ACAT. But perhaps there was something else to be assessed years ago.

I know of a mature man who lived with a destructive wife for decades. It's very amazing how he remains soft and generous spirited. He still has good-will for his wife and grateful for how she brought up their children. But there is a raw agony that he cannot share, even though he'd like to. No one understands and he is all alone.

I know of two women who have had violent husbands. They are now both advocates for voiceless victims. They are strong women who spend a lot of time weeping and praying on their knees for those they minister to.

I know of a young woman who had a difficult childhood and had a close relationship with a manipulative and depressed woman. She is now very sensitive and caring of the needy, still giving of herself in dependent relationships.

I know of a young man with a history of abuse in his family who sees how the effects of verbal violence linger even after generations.

I know of a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.

The ones who have had bad experiences with abusive people have a strange affinity to them. They often become 'rescuers' or 'protectors', who are nurturing and sensitive, offering sympathy and help. Yet, they are often the ones who are exploited and re-abused.

It shouldn't surprise us that those who are abused often repay their abusers in kind (having vendettas), or pay it forward (becoming abusers of others). This is completely unacceptable for Christians and it perpetuates a cycle of violence and destruction. But retaliation feels very natural. How should the abused react to abuse?

The following verses are very difficult. It's said by the one who was abused the worst and epitomised these words. He does not say it lightly, but soberly, holding out real hope in God to the abused. He also holds out kindness and mercy to abusers.


But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either... But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

~ Luke 6:27–9, 35-6 ESV


I definitely think abused people should get help, keep themselves safe and seek the intervention of appropriate authorities. But notice how Jesus' way is so different from our litigious, self-protective society, which cries out "an eye for an eye" and "Get angry!" For those who don't know God, there's only so much justice they can scramble for. If this life is all there is, who wouldn't despair?

But Christians can take genuine comfort when they are abused. Jesus reminds us of two factors that our society leaves out: The role of God and the day of the Lord.

Firstly, God will do right. He holds out real warnings ("Woe..." a la Luke 6:23-6) but also the offer of mercy and salvation. It's constantly amazing that God loves his enemies and offers them an out in Jesus. God remembers his people's great suffering and will reward those who do not retaliate in their power. And God remembers the unrepentant abusers, too.

Secondly, timing. The sufferings of the world are temporary. Their comfort will be so great that even the worst evil is overwhelmed and obliterated. (This is not to belittle suffering and pain, but to magnify the glorious future. If your suffering is great, vast and deep, how much more will you rejoice!). For the unrepentant abuser who runs free today, there will be a reckoning on that day. When God comes back, he'll wipe out all sin and all people who sin.

There is a day coming when God will set everything right. "Though it linger, wait for it. It will certainly come and will not delay." (Hab 2:3).