Loving Self-centred People

There are people who are draining. And there are people who are more than draining. They crave attention and any love you give will never be enough. Perhaps they are hard to love, needy, controlling or possessive. Perhaps they are in it for themselves and aren't considering your needs at all.

How do you love people who are very demanding or manipulative?

If you are kind and sensitive, you may respond by meeting their demands. If you not, or are already spent, you may disengage and hope someone else is able to help them! I sometimes find myself in one of these gears (i.e. giving until I'm empty or staying away from that person). I don't think either option is healthy or helpful.

A wise woman showed me little ways to love and serve people who are demanding or controlling.


Firstly, break the cycle of demand.

Giving into unreasonable demands reinforce their unhealthy behaviours. If they try to get affections, love, attention, help beyond what's reasonable or what you're willing to freely give, you don't have to meet that demand. You can say no gently. Show them that way of relating is not ok and will not work.

But show love or affirmation when they don't demand it. Then you are giving those things in freedom and not coercion. This helps them realise what they want is available without the having to employ unhealthy behaviors.

In other words, don't give them what they want when they demand it but give it to them when they haven't asked for it. Manipulation is not helpful for either parties involved. Breaking manipulative habits is hard work and can be unsatisfying. The wise woman said "It takes a big love to risk an anger response". But it's better for the person, because it helps them to relate normally in the long run. Don't play their game and maybe they'll lose interest in the game.


Secondly, if they behave in inappropriate ways which have affected you, it may be better to gently bring it up then and there. Talk about it immediately because they may not be able to handle the "big talk" three weeks after the event. Too much, too late, too abstract. But briefly pointing little concrete events and then moving on is more doable.


Thirdly, you don't have to give people your first available free time slot. If you had Monday, Wednesday and Saturday free, you can make yourself available on Wednesday. Most things (except for the very urgent), can probably wait til the next day. Some even the next week!


Fourthly, don't enter into gossip. This is just a general godliness thing and it helps curb jealousy or voyeurism.


People who engage in these behaviors are often crying out for love. But their ways of gaining love are actually pushing people away who could love them! They are unable to have equal friendships. Sigh. They have not yet really known how God loves them fully and completely. They don't really believe this.

But isn't God's love for needy and broken people lovely?

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

~ Isaiah 42:3