Loving Self-centred People

There are people who are draining. And there are people who are more than draining. They crave attention and any love you give will never be enough. Perhaps they are hard to love, needy, controlling or possessive. Perhaps they are in it for themselves and aren't considering your needs at all.

How do you love people who are very demanding or manipulative?

If you are kind and sensitive, you may respond by meeting their demands. If you not, or are already spent, you may disengage and hope someone else is able to help them! I sometimes find myself in one of these gears (i.e. giving until I'm empty or staying away from that person). I don't think either option is healthy or helpful.

A wise woman showed me little ways to love and serve people who are demanding or controlling.


Firstly, break the cycle of demand.

Giving into unreasonable demands reinforce their unhealthy behaviours. If they try to get affections, love, attention, help beyond what's reasonable or what you're willing to freely give, you don't have to meet that demand. You can say no gently. Show them that way of relating is not ok and will not work.

But show love or affirmation when they don't demand it. Then you are giving those things in freedom and not coercion. This helps them realise what they want is available without the having to employ unhealthy behaviors.

In other words, don't give them what they want when they demand it but give it to them when they haven't asked for it. Manipulation is not helpful for either parties involved. Breaking manipulative habits is hard work and can be unsatisfying. The wise woman said "It takes a big love to risk an anger response". But it's better for the person, because it helps them to relate normally in the long run. Don't play their game and maybe they'll lose interest in the game.


Secondly, if they behave in inappropriate ways which have affected you, it may be better to gently bring it up then and there. Talk about it immediately because they may not be able to handle the "big talk" three weeks after the event. Too much, too late, too abstract. But briefly pointing little concrete events and then moving on is more doable.


Thirdly, you don't have to give people your first available free time slot. If you had Monday, Wednesday and Saturday free, you can make yourself available on Wednesday. Most things (except for the very urgent), can probably wait til the next day. Some even the next week!


Fourthly, don't enter into gossip. This is just a general godliness thing and it helps curb jealousy or voyeurism.


People who engage in these behaviors are often crying out for love. But their ways of gaining love are actually pushing people away who could love them! They are unable to have equal friendships. Sigh. They have not yet really known how God loves them fully and completely. They don't really believe this.

But isn't God's love for needy and broken people lovely?

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

~ Isaiah 42:3

Jesus loves you!

Yes, you!

He really does.
Fully and deeply.
Don't ever doubt it.

Jesus loves you more than your Mum & Dad,
more than your fella / your girl,
more than your best friend,
more than your dog.

God Loves You!

~ wow ~

Childhood Foods

When I got this wrapped tin from a generous 'Aunty', I suspected it contained almond cookies. Ble'ch! Almond cookies are like ground almonds held together by butter. Stick a whole almond on top, stick it into an oven for too long and voila! Simultaneously dry and too greasy. When you chew one, it forms a gluggy, almondy paste which coats your teeth and tongue. Ble'ch.

I thanked her politely and wondered how I might get rid of such an inferior baked good without wastage. I let the tin sit on my shelf unopened for a little while.

I didn't question my assumption until I picked up the tin a year or two later and shook it gently to see what sound the contents made. Left to right gave a sliding sound *shuuuk*. Front to back made no sound - the contents did not budge. Curious. Almond cookies would topple over each other, not slide. The contents had to be long-shaped.

[gasp!]

Egg rolls!!

Using my nail, I sliced through the sticky tape holding closed the square, outer lid and used a spoon to lever open the round, inner lid, as I had did many times as a child. One last obstacle before reaching the golden logs... Bubble wrap! Extra fun.

As I offered it to suspecting friends, I explained their unassuming delights:

"They taste like fortune cookies."

"They are as fun as other foods with a hole in them, like spaghetti!"

"You can pretend to smoke them like cigars," I demonstrate with an egg roll between two fingers, narrowing my eyes glamorously. "But they have to point to the sky, so when you bite into them, the crumbs fall back into your mouth". Even as children, we perfected this technique of eating egg rolls to leave my mum's floor clean.

Happy Birthday, Sandra!!

Lots love, blessings, hugs, prayers, cupcakes & kisses!

Envy

The green-eyed monster played a part in Jesus' death.

"... it was out of envy that the chief priests handed Jesus over..." Mark 15:10

Were they envious that people liked Jesus better? Were they that infantile? Perhaps.

In The Parable of the Tenants, the envy of the Jewish leaders has a murderous edge:
"But when the tenants saw the son, they said to each other, 'This is the heir. Come, let's kill him and take his inheritance.' So they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and killed him."

They wanted Jesus' inheritance.

We could point our fingers at the Bible's arch-villains and forget that we have roots of envy, too. Eve's enticement, which represents ours, is "You will be like God" in Genesis 3:5.

There's a subtle but crucial difference between admiration and envy. It's
"I want to be like you" vs "I want to be you".

And there's a difference between jealousy and envy. It's "desiring what rightly belongs to you", vs "desiring what belongs to someone else".

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be like God. God thinks this is a great idea and encourages his people to be transformed more and more into his image.

But there's definitely something wrong with wanting to be God ourselves. Sounds crass, huh? Who would dare take God's place? But don't we do it when we kick God out of the drivers' seat of life and drive off? Do we treat our words as more authoritative than his? Do you presume to enter heaven without asking him first, as if he didn't own the place?

Next to our grasping and selfish aspirations, Jesus is so amazing. He had all the entitlements to Goddiness, but gave it up to become a lowly human. He did the backwards of jealousy. Actually, it's probably us who has got it backwards! So it may be hard for us to get our heads around Philippians 2:5-11:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Bring on the Grey Hairs!

I'm really looking forward to being older than I am. At my next birthday, I'll be 30 if you count in the Chinese tradition (where you're 1 when you're born and turn 2 when you've lived for 12 months). I can't wait to be out of my 20s. It's been a decade of ups and downs. And in many ways, a big ol' mess. I'm grateful for how those things have developed me, but I will be glad to leave my 20s behind. It's not that I expect things to get better in my 30s. But I expect me to be different and more equipped.

I look forward to being stiller, more sure of God's truth and love, more truthful and loving, and letting Christ make his dwelling in me completely. I look forward to bearing old, closed scars having survived injuries and fought good battles. And I look forward to being softened by time and bearing the callouses of hard work. I look forward to being more sincere and teachable, evenhanded and evenminded, seeing that "it's not as simple as that" or "it's not the right time".

People often love people for their youthfulness: vitality, beauty, potential, but these things often don't last. When those things have been stripped away by time, you know if you're really loved.

I am looking forward to look older than I do now. People sometimes dismiss what I say until they find out that 1. I'm not a teenager. 2. I work for the church. 3. I'm studying theology after finishing undergrad studies. 4. I've worked as a nurse. 5. I've lived overseas. Why do these external things matter so much?

And I really look forward to being closer to being in paradise with my Lord. Eternity. No, it's not more of this! Who wants an eternity of this world?? No, he promises an unending day of joy. Let the day come quickly.

Job talk

Here's a talk that I gave on Job. Feel free to download from the other site or ask me to email it to you (transcript in softcopy or audio file that's 14MB and a whopping 31 minutes!)


Before you listen...

- read God's speeches in Job 38-42 aloud, loudly!
- read Job 1 & 2, if you're keen
- and if you're really keen, soak up the rest of Job.


During the sermon... refer to this outline:

-----------------

Fear the Lord

1:1, 1:8, 2:3, 1:9, 6:14, 9:32-35, 13:9-11, 13:21-23, 21:6, 23:3-4, 23:6-7, 23:15-17, 27:2-6, 28:28, 31:23, 31:35-37


God answered Job – Mystery & Power of Creation




Wisdom & Folly




Creator & Creation





-----------------

After you listen to the sermon... read some 'blog extras' ~ outtakes, commentary, gag reel:

- I said "after"!

- 1 Peter makes a great reading companion to Job, as a book on suffering.

- the 62th version of the talk was going to consist entirely of questions to convey the bigness and perplexity of Job, and highlight the number of contemporary issues that it raises.

- Have you noticed that God asks a lot of questions in the Bible?

- The working title of the sermon was "Job, the Comedy of Wisdom". We often think of Job as a tragedy because it's filled with suffering. But as a genre in literature, Job would be classified as a comedy. Job, the hero fulfills the quest by continuing to "fear God for nothing". At the end, God does not retract his approval of Job as a righteous man. (c.f. A tragedy where the hero does not accomplish the task. Alternative, tragic endings: Job loses his fear of the Lord, Job charges God with wrongdoing, Job curses God and dies, Job stops waiting for God's vindication.) Plus, there's definitely a happy ending!

- It's interesting that Christians tend to shy away from suffering. We always pray for it to be taken away and are often surprised / indignant when it happens.

- Suffering weeds out those who are only "in it" for the blessings from those who are really in it for God. Job proved that he was only in it for God. God's shower of blessings at the end is a completely free and joyful gift (not a bribe as Satan insinuated).

- Job makes a cameo in Ezekiel 14:14 and James 5: 11 as one of God's favorites and a blessed man who persevered through suffering.

- a sermon on Job's friends could be called "Pity the Fool"

- I realised that a friend saw me as one of Job's friends when he said "Hon's got an answer for everything".

- an adapted therapy idea for people made deeply introspective from suffering: read God's speeches (Job 38-41) to them. Loudly and forcefully. So they feel pinned to the wall and stung by a bee. (And hopefully get shaken out of their despair and face God's bigness and power!)

- Job is as much about suffering as Ecclesiastes is about significance.

- An exploration of The Fear of God in the Bible hit the cutting room floor.

- Omitted illustration from King Kong to show how God's raw power might have inspired good fear and trust in God who loves you:

Jungle predators were no match for him. King Kong could not be subdued by natives, chemicals or chrome steel chains. Sheer brute force. There was a scene when Kong fights off a pack of dinosaurs who were attacking Ann. She gets away but then finds herself face to face with a hungry T-rex, who looked intent on eating her. Kong drops in behind her and… she steps back into his shadow… waiting for him to fight for her once more. Yes, he could still crush her with one hand, but he was using his power to protect because he cares for her. Raw power evokes blind terror, but power with love was her security.


- Ideas for a series on Job:

· Grace in Job

· Christ in Job, Emmanuel

· Theodicy & Morality in Job

· Our right responses to suffering

Quote for Matt

I read this on a mug:

A dog barks when his master is attacked. I would be a coward if I saw that God's truth is attacked and yet would remain silent.

~ John Calvin (1545)

Roadtrip to see Lara

"A tree in the wind" (no wait... the air was very still. Perhaps, "Wind-formed giant-bonsai")



A sea-weed tee.



"No really, it does with your top! It'll make a great fascinator."



Ta da-da!!



Yes, a surfer with an oar!



Some Easter eggs are hollow and some are solid.



Sandra, Lara & Hon

2. Self and Other

Having said that people are primarily 'Self'-centred or 'Other'-centred, I should add that each of us are capable of being both 'Self' centred and 'Other' centred. We all possess both sets of attributes to varying degrees. A person can even be primarily 'Self'-centred but show 'Other'-centredness in particular contexts. For example, a person may be 'Self' centred at work, being an over-ambitious and overbearing towards their colleagues. The same person may be very 'Other' centred at home towards their spouse and children.

In the Bible, self-centredness is called "sin". And other-centredness is called "love". We are capable of both. Sometimes we sin and sometimes we love. The one thing in common is that we all start as hopelessly 'Self' centred people towards God. We have neglected to thank him, realise and say sorry when we offend him, we don't have time for him, think we're better than him, ignore him, just take from him, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Thankfully, God is radically different from people. He is utterly 'Other' centred and the root source of all love. He is totally worthy of our adoration and love because he is who he is. He is the exemplar of good, loveliness and excellence.

But instead of loving him, we sin against him by being 'self' centred people towards him. How blind and destructive!

We would've been stuck forever if Jesus had not come to love us by dying on the cross for our sake. He poured himself out for the sake of Others. His love and 'Other' centredness was so complete and abundant that it overwhelms our 'Self' centredness. Those who receive his love are filled to the brim to overflowing. It purges our self-centred, empty hearts of sin. The tide of Jesus' love and generosity overwhelms sin. How glorious!

A 'Self'-centred person becomes 'Other'-centred when they become 'God'-centred. In Christ, we are not hopelessly stuck in our deep seated 'self' centredness, but are transformed into people who love God, others and even those who don't love us back.




John puts it beautifully:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. (v 7-12)


While D. B. Knox puts it like this (from Selected Works, Vol 1: The Doctrine of God, p155):

Personal relationship is ultimate reality. The basic requirement for the establishment and maintenance of true personal relationship is other-person-centredness, that is, genuine interest in the other person and his welfare and the forwarding of that welfare by every appropriate means at one's disposal. This means that absolute other-person-centredness is the most real thing in being a person.

There can be no trace of self-centredness in true personal relationship. The smallest degree of self-centredness diminishes the relationship. Complete self-centredness is the negation of any personal relationship. The complete absence of relationship between persons is hell.

Since God is actus purus (i.e. there is no mere potentiality in him), his other-person-centredness is complete, and active in conferring benefits on the other person all the time.

The authors quoted use the categories a little differently to me, but you get the idea.

1. Self or Other

I feel like the Dr Nick Riviera of psychology. Hi, Everybody!!

Here are some hack observations. Most people will have no idea what I'm talking about. But some may nod your heads and recognise these traits.

Sometimes, people are 'Self' centred, to the detriment of their regard for 'Others'.

SELF

__________

other

Here are some characteristics of the 'Self' centred person:

• laps up attention and adulation, needs constant affirmation
  
• has an over-inflated ego
  
• self-aggrandizing, has to be / do the best and thought of that way, name-drop and associate themselves with the best
  
• gossipy
  
• their time, opinion and plans are more important than others so they steamroll over others
  
• has no time for other's problems and weaknesses
• likes to tell people how it's really done
  
• thinks they deserve special treatment
  
• are competitive, engages in one-up-(wo)manship
  
• gets envious easily
• gets angry when they don't get their way
  
• gets angry when they are criticised
• finds help, explanation, concession and concern condescending
• controlling
  
• passive-aggressive
  
• are bossy, bullying
  
• if someone were to say sorry, they may want to reply "So you should be"
• it would kill them to say sorry, thanks or pay a compliment properly
• feels threatened by other people's success, happiness, achievement
• gloats in the humiliation, failure of others
  
• are guarded, self-protective and don't let people in into what they are really like
• forges exclusive alliances, thrives on secrecy
  
• tends to dominate over, manipulate or pressure people into doing what they want
  
• plays 'water polo' (players push down on other players to go up in the air): may put others down, step over others, slanders
  
• disregards insults or hurt to others
  
• will act to benefit self even at the detriment of the other
  

May or may not come with: manners, charm, wealth, intelligence, achievement, religion, self-control, insight into reality, genuine affection and admiration.

It's ironic, or paradoxical, but the self-centred person is usually really insecure and do all these things in order to boost a low and fragile self-esteem. They project a (false) desirable image of themselves or appear a certain way to get people to doing what they want (even disguising themselves as their opposite, e.g. posing as the victim, the vulnerable), but the facade is lacking in genuineness and substance. They are empty.



At the other pole, people can be 'Other' centred, to the detriment of their regard for 'Self'.

OTHER

_______________

self

Here are some characteristics of the 'other' centred person:

• sensitive, empathetic, can step into their shoes
  
• affirming, supportive
  
• good listener, attentive, reads people well
• open
  
• humble, servant hearted
  
• considers others' needs, opinions and time first before their own
  
• knows their friends more than vice versa
  
• generous with time, energy and affection
• sticks their necks out for others, put themselves 'out there'
• looks out for the weak
  
• gives people an “out” in an embarrassing situation
• makes time for other's problems, opinions, weaknesses
• can set aside their own feelings for the evening, so as to not 'ruin' other people's fun
  
• gives people the benefit of the doubt, give second, third, seventy-seventh chances
• covers for others, meeting their deficiencies
• may need to set boundaries with 'self' centred people so they are not taken advantage of and used
  
• are a magnet for others with multiple problems and issues
  
• has many lopsided friendships (looks like counselor-client, carer-patient rather than peer-peer relationship)
  
• may be acutely aware of everyone else's needs, but may have difficulty articulating their own feelings and needs
• will act to benefit the other even at the detriment of self
  

May or may not come with: humour, happiness, unhealed wounds, gentleness, warm and fuzzies, self-respect, insight into reality, acknowledgment of being used, guilt, complaints, anger, self-deprecation, self-pity, endurance, tough love, appropriate boundaries.

Funnily enough, the latter may look like a doormat and may be abused by the former, but they are actually more internally robust. They genuinely have 'got it together' and have enough self-respect and love that they can care for others. They are filled.

Together, the Self-centred and the Other-centred person make a natural, but unhealthy relationship. They gravitate to each other because the attention is on the same person! The asymmetry is because of dependence (the self-centred person depends on the other-centred person to give them what they need) and power (the self-centred person needs to control the other-centred person).

Other-centred person often complies or enables the Self-centred person to behave and act how they want. They are exhausted of their resources and feel like their energy is being sucked out of them, vampire style. A relationship between 'self' and 'other' centred people is ultimately flawed and difficult to maintain unless this dynamic is corrected. A 'Self'-'Self' relationship is just destructive, but there's a natural justice in giving as good as they get! However, relationship between two 'Other' centred people is lovely. Their giving of themselves is reciprocated and replenished by the other - they are not exhausted.

Kudos to Mark and DBK who used the categories of 'Self' and 'Other-person' centredness.

Wolves

If I were a pervert, I'd catch public transport during rush hour wearing my loosest pants. If I were a pedophile, I'd earn a role of responsibility around school children and watch Billy Elliot six times. If I were a parasite, I'd feed on people at Bible college. If I were a power-monger, I'd want to run a church. Why not, when people proffer so much benefit of the doubt, especially to predators who prey on Christian circles?

Jesus warned us (particularly about destructive deceivers), so we should not be surprised to find wolves in sheep's clothing among us.

Oh, we are *so* onto you!

off to Melbourne

Going off to Melbourne next week for two weeks! I love Melbourne people very much and may post about them soon.

But this post is about my carbon footprint.

I'm a water-Scrooge: I shower every 1.5 days (at Karen's suggestion and gave up my daily hair wash for the first time ever) and am sad the half flush is ineffective in most toilet designs*. I have refused many kind car-sitting offers and walk or catch a bus. I try to eat things that are low on the food chain / not overly processed. The heater in my room has not been plugged in this year (its cord is too short anyway!). I'd rather fix clothes than create landfill. I go around flicking off lights and appliances in empty rooms. I handwash dishes in a small basin instead of using a dishwasher and scrape off solid fat in the rubbish bin instead of just running water to get rid of the greasy bits. Today, I used the clothes dryer for the first time, but maintain that it's wasteful and overrated (my clothes were still damp!).

But all that seems like "saving cents and loosing dollars" when I fly to Melbourne 2+ times a year (this year, to Thailand too, which consisted of 4 flights). What a total fuel guzzler! Someone told me if I don't use a car for a whole year and jump on a plane at the end of that year, my petrol savings would be spent before I reach the end of the runway.

* The best design I've ever seen was in an Austria toilet. Hygienic, very little splash and good use of flushing water.

Dear Reader

Hi, to all five of you!

I hope to "launch" this blog soon. So I'd love to know what things you think I should tweak and pluck. For instance, a good friend helpfully said "You write well. But it's like trying to look at a lovely view while walking with a stone in my shoe", because my grammar is terrible to the point of distraction! I plan to make her sit down and edit with me. [laughs gleefully]

How do you think this blog should evolve? More pictures and personal stuff? Less internal torment / hell / death / judgment / sickness?

Thanks for reading and your encouragement! Would appreciate a prayer.

Honoria

Unique heads

From the back of the lecture hall, I can recognise people by the back of their heads. It doesn't matter if they have had a haircut, or if their head is partially obscured by another. Their heads are noticeably different. Some heads are quite spherical, others have their bulbous part just above the neck. Some are egg-shaped, which is different to being pear-shaped or pumpkin-shaped. Then there are Lurch-lookalikes. Even if two heads' shape are similar, there its volume /mass and how it's set on the neck. People are identifiable by their heads.



When I was a kid, I thought our fingerprints were the only distinguishing feature. Stripes are unique to each zebra. Songs are unique to each whale.

But watching spy movies made me realise that your voice, retina, footprint, handwriting, gait and dental structures are all unique and therefore useful for security clearances. Then there's personality and face. When I get to that point, I ask: is there anything that isn't unique to each of us?*

You are unique compared to everyone else who's ever been. And even as you change, you remain completely special.

God, who is endlessly complex and wonderful, never runs out of creative energy. He doesn't mass produce but only does originals. He has a unique relationship with each of us. You can see the love, care and beauty he endows to each of us. And God even keep tabs on your hair count.

* maybe the DNA of identical twins? But even then they turn out different from each other.

Journaling

I don't really have the patience for journaling. It takes too long!

But a friend who regularly writes in her journal said that there's good physiological reasons for doing it. The feelings centre in your brain is different from your writing centre, which is in the region of logic. So when you have lots of emotions and you write them down, you are processing it through your reason. That helps you sort through things you're going through.

My friend said "It's a bit like the Psalmist. In a Psalm, they start off in a bit of a mess and by the time they finish writing down it all down, it's sorted!"

Meaningless, Meaningless?

That funny word that translators scratch their heads at is the refrain through Ecclesiastes and probably its key:

Hebel (Hebrew): heh'-bel, hab-ale' (English: havel). Often used as an adverb, emptiness or vanity, figuratively something transitory and unsatisfactory. Mist, vapour.

You get Meaningless (NIV), Vanity (KJV), Enigma (Lindsay Wilson, OT guy at Ridley). Others have gone with Smoke (The Message), Vapour (The Amplied). Fox has interpreted it as something like Absurdity, CEV says Nonsense, Useless (CEV), Holman's gone with Absolute Futility.

Someone said the point of it was 'transience'. Why not, since the literal sense is "mist", "vapour"? Earthly things are ephemeral.



"Hebel" bears an allusion to "Abel", who made a cameo at the start of the episode about the first family (he died at the hands of his brother, killer Cain, early in the piece).

The writer of Ecclesiastes is a wise and faithful follower of the true God. He throws himself into life, succeeds at everything and is still deeply frustrated. And in parts of the picture, he's despairing at how long things lasts. What's the point of building up an empire, when you'll have to give it over to someone when you die, who'll stuff it all up in a few days? It's like chasing the wind.

The transience of everything under the sun makes a good contrast to the Everlasting Lord and his eternal kingdom. We are like the grass of the field.

And here's where we readers can sober up. Whatever pleasures, riches, good things on earth won't last. So don't put your stock in them. Whatever sufferings, injustices, evils on earth won't last. So grieve over those things as those with hope. And be comforted that this too shall pass.

There is a day coming that will last forever. And in that day The Doorkeeper and The Prize is God himself. Ecclesiastes 12:13-4

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.

For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.

Jean: if you're reading, I didn't mean for our blogs to cross-pollinate. I've been mulling over Hebel for a while, as a part of my thinking on theodicy. Your post on work was really stimulating.

Freebies to those who can afford it

Drug reps practically throw things at doctors. Cool pens. Mouse pads. Drinks. Bags. Samples. Puzzles. Lunches. Tickets. Trips overseas. Freebies freebies freebies to those who really don't need more stuff and can definitely afford it.

Have you seen people give out free stuff on the street? They tend to hand things to people who are well put together. But they are reluctant to give out stuff to people who are poor (e.g. students, homeless).

Why so stingey? Is it really free?

Abuse

I know of an older, dying woman who has separated from her abusive husband but still lives in the same house with him. Her friend called his behavior "psychological torture". Long ago, she stopped herself from taking care of him, since he just takes advantage of her. "He doesn't hit me anymore" she said plainly, "he just throws things". Now that he's showing signs of dementia, he'll get assessed by ACAT. But perhaps there was something else to be assessed years ago.

I know of a mature man who lived with a destructive wife for decades. It's very amazing how he remains soft and generous spirited. He still has good-will for his wife and grateful for how she brought up their children. But there is a raw agony that he cannot share, even though he'd like to. No one understands and he is all alone.

I know of two women who have had violent husbands. They are now both advocates for voiceless victims. They are strong women who spend a lot of time weeping and praying on their knees for those they minister to.

I know of a young woman who had a difficult childhood and had a close relationship with a manipulative and depressed woman. She is now very sensitive and caring of the needy, still giving of herself in dependent relationships.

I know of a young man with a history of abuse in his family who sees how the effects of verbal violence linger even after generations.

I know of a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.

The ones who have had bad experiences with abusive people have a strange affinity to them. They often become 'rescuers' or 'protectors', who are nurturing and sensitive, offering sympathy and help. Yet, they are often the ones who are exploited and re-abused.

It shouldn't surprise us that those who are abused often repay their abusers in kind (having vendettas), or pay it forward (becoming abusers of others). This is completely unacceptable for Christians and it perpetuates a cycle of violence and destruction. But retaliation feels very natural. How should the abused react to abuse?

The following verses are very difficult. It's said by the one who was abused the worst and epitomised these words. He does not say it lightly, but soberly, holding out real hope in God to the abused. He also holds out kindness and mercy to abusers.


But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either... But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

~ Luke 6:27–9, 35-6 ESV


I definitely think abused people should get help, keep themselves safe and seek the intervention of appropriate authorities. But notice how Jesus' way is so different from our litigious, self-protective society, which cries out "an eye for an eye" and "Get angry!" For those who don't know God, there's only so much justice they can scramble for. If this life is all there is, who wouldn't despair?

But Christians can take genuine comfort when they are abused. Jesus reminds us of two factors that our society leaves out: The role of God and the day of the Lord.

Firstly, God will do right. He holds out real warnings ("Woe..." a la Luke 6:23-6) but also the offer of mercy and salvation. It's constantly amazing that God loves his enemies and offers them an out in Jesus. God remembers his people's great suffering and will reward those who do not retaliate in their power. And God remembers the unrepentant abusers, too.

Secondly, timing. The sufferings of the world are temporary. Their comfort will be so great that even the worst evil is overwhelmed and obliterated. (This is not to belittle suffering and pain, but to magnify the glorious future. If your suffering is great, vast and deep, how much more will you rejoice!). For the unrepentant abuser who runs free today, there will be a reckoning on that day. When God comes back, he'll wipe out all sin and all people who sin.

There is a day coming when God will set everything right. "Though it linger, wait for it. It will certainly come and will not delay." (Hab 2:3).