Loving Self-centred People

There are people who are draining. And there are people who are more than draining. They crave attention and any love you give will never be enough. Perhaps they are hard to love, needy, controlling or possessive. Perhaps they are in it for themselves and aren't considering your needs at all.

How do you love people who are very demanding or manipulative?

If you are kind and sensitive, you may respond by meeting their demands. If you not, or are already spent, you may disengage and hope someone else is able to help them! I sometimes find myself in one of these gears (i.e. giving until I'm empty or staying away from that person). I don't think either option is healthy or helpful.

A wise woman showed me little ways to love and serve people who are demanding or controlling.


Firstly, break the cycle of demand.

Giving into unreasonable demands reinforce their unhealthy behaviours. If they try to get affections, love, attention, help beyond what's reasonable or what you're willing to freely give, you don't have to meet that demand. You can say no gently. Show them that way of relating is not ok and will not work.

But show love or affirmation when they don't demand it. Then you are giving those things in freedom and not coercion. This helps them realise what they want is available without the having to employ unhealthy behaviors.

In other words, don't give them what they want when they demand it but give it to them when they haven't asked for it. Manipulation is not helpful for either parties involved. Breaking manipulative habits is hard work and can be unsatisfying. The wise woman said "It takes a big love to risk an anger response". But it's better for the person, because it helps them to relate normally in the long run. Don't play their game and maybe they'll lose interest in the game.


Secondly, if they behave in inappropriate ways which have affected you, it may be better to gently bring it up then and there. Talk about it immediately because they may not be able to handle the "big talk" three weeks after the event. Too much, too late, too abstract. But briefly pointing little concrete events and then moving on is more doable.


Thirdly, you don't have to give people your first available free time slot. If you had Monday, Wednesday and Saturday free, you can make yourself available on Wednesday. Most things (except for the very urgent), can probably wait til the next day. Some even the next week!


Fourthly, don't enter into gossip. This is just a general godliness thing and it helps curb jealousy or voyeurism.


People who engage in these behaviors are often crying out for love. But their ways of gaining love are actually pushing people away who could love them! They are unable to have equal friendships. Sigh. They have not yet really known how God loves them fully and completely. They don't really believe this.

But isn't God's love for needy and broken people lovely?

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

~ Isaiah 42:3

Jesus loves you!

Yes, you!

He really does.
Fully and deeply.
Don't ever doubt it.

Jesus loves you more than your Mum & Dad,
more than your fella / your girl,
more than your best friend,
more than your dog.

God Loves You!

~ wow ~

2. Self and Other

Having said that people are primarily 'Self'-centred or 'Other'-centred, I should add that each of us are capable of being both 'Self' centred and 'Other' centred. We all possess both sets of attributes to varying degrees. A person can even be primarily 'Self'-centred but show 'Other'-centredness in particular contexts. For example, a person may be 'Self' centred at work, being an over-ambitious and overbearing towards their colleagues. The same person may be very 'Other' centred at home towards their spouse and children.

In the Bible, self-centredness is called "sin". And other-centredness is called "love". We are capable of both. Sometimes we sin and sometimes we love. The one thing in common is that we all start as hopelessly 'Self' centred people towards God. We have neglected to thank him, realise and say sorry when we offend him, we don't have time for him, think we're better than him, ignore him, just take from him, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Thankfully, God is radically different from people. He is utterly 'Other' centred and the root source of all love. He is totally worthy of our adoration and love because he is who he is. He is the exemplar of good, loveliness and excellence.

But instead of loving him, we sin against him by being 'self' centred people towards him. How blind and destructive!

We would've been stuck forever if Jesus had not come to love us by dying on the cross for our sake. He poured himself out for the sake of Others. His love and 'Other' centredness was so complete and abundant that it overwhelms our 'Self' centredness. Those who receive his love are filled to the brim to overflowing. It purges our self-centred, empty hearts of sin. The tide of Jesus' love and generosity overwhelms sin. How glorious!

A 'Self'-centred person becomes 'Other'-centred when they become 'God'-centred. In Christ, we are not hopelessly stuck in our deep seated 'self' centredness, but are transformed into people who love God, others and even those who don't love us back.




John puts it beautifully:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. (v 7-12)


While D. B. Knox puts it like this (from Selected Works, Vol 1: The Doctrine of God, p155):

Personal relationship is ultimate reality. The basic requirement for the establishment and maintenance of true personal relationship is other-person-centredness, that is, genuine interest in the other person and his welfare and the forwarding of that welfare by every appropriate means at one's disposal. This means that absolute other-person-centredness is the most real thing in being a person.

There can be no trace of self-centredness in true personal relationship. The smallest degree of self-centredness diminishes the relationship. Complete self-centredness is the negation of any personal relationship. The complete absence of relationship between persons is hell.

Since God is actus purus (i.e. there is no mere potentiality in him), his other-person-centredness is complete, and active in conferring benefits on the other person all the time.

The authors quoted use the categories a little differently to me, but you get the idea.

Dying well

Eliz spoke at her mother's memorial service a few weeks ago. After a very long battle with cancer, June died well. Eliz's thanksgiving speech is a glowing example of doctrine being the most amazing comfort.

--

She was very very ill and in hospital for 10 days. One day as I was sitting beside her bed she said, "I worry that when I get to heaven Jesus will be disappointed with me."

I looked at her and said, "No! That is simply not possible!"

I moved and sat on the bed with her and held both her hands and looked her in the eye. I said, "You will be absolutely perfect."

She wasn't convinced. I said, "Mum, You will be as perfect as Christ's work on the cross. If there was to be anything about you that God could find disappointing, then Christ's redeeming work and his offering of his blood for your sins was not sufficient. But we know that Christ's sacrifice was sufficient because God raised him from the dead and exalted him in heaven. You are IN Christ, so you will be as perfect as Christ's work on the cross was perfect!"

--

How wonderful! Christ's perfection, death and resurrection is of critical importance at the most important time. What a glorious application of a doctrine often overlooked, being "in Christ".

Eliz closes by saying:

--

So it is amazing what you see when your eyes are open -- God's hand held mum's through everything - he never let her go - and she was fully aware of it.

And then, in the early hours of Sunday morning, that hand of God scooped her up. June is glorified --absent from the body but present with the Lord (Paul: 2 Corinthians 5:8) - in heaven with her Saviour and saints from every tribe, language people and nation - where there is no sickness or suffering or sin or heartache or tears - all because of the everlasting love of God, cross of Jesus Christ and the resurrecting power of the Holy Spirit.

Let's pray:

We give thanks to God the Father who chose June in love before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless before him.

We give thanks to to God the Son, Jesus Christ who redeemed June and gave his body to be broken for her, and poured out his blood for her so that all her sins could be forgiven and she could be united to Christ and filled with the Holy Spirit.

We give thanks to God the Holy Spirit who faithfully ministered to June, empowered her through her life, sustained her in her death, and now has raised her to be with God.

We give thanks to God for his everlasting love, mercy and faithfulness - for the way he ministered to June by his Spirit to her heart and mind, and through his appointed servants at every turn.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

~ Lamentations 3:22-23, ESV

Amen.

Because God is loving, Hell exists

People say hell doesn't sit well with a God of love. They tend to pit God's love against his wrathful judgment, as if the two were diametrically opposed. But precisely because God loves, he judges and is wrathful towards evil.

God’s judgment precedes from his love. Because he loves the world, he is grieved and angry when they rebel and are corrupted by sin. An human analogy illustrates this point: the more a father loves his son, the more he will hate in him the drunkard, the murderer. Because he loves the world, he is grieved and angry at evils done against those he loves. In the same way, a loving earthly father will have righteous angry for his daughter’s rapist. God's righteous anger at sin is an expression of his love.

Oddly enough, when you eclipse God’s judgment by his love, you render him evil. The opposite of love is not anger, but indifference (in this case, it would be the tolerance of evil). If God does not condemn sin by bypassing the punishment on perpetrators, it is not mercy but injustice and immorality. The ultimate judge would become evil. He would no longer be just or loving, but immoral and complicit in evil. Therefore, promoting God’s love by abandoning his judgment, perversely comes at the cost of his love, justice and goodness.

His wrath and righteous judgment are expressions of his deep, vast love and justice.