2. Self and Other

Having said that people are primarily 'Self'-centred or 'Other'-centred, I should add that each of us are capable of being both 'Self' centred and 'Other' centred. We all possess both sets of attributes to varying degrees. A person can even be primarily 'Self'-centred but show 'Other'-centredness in particular contexts. For example, a person may be 'Self' centred at work, being an over-ambitious and overbearing towards their colleagues. The same person may be very 'Other' centred at home towards their spouse and children.

In the Bible, self-centredness is called "sin". And other-centredness is called "love". We are capable of both. Sometimes we sin and sometimes we love. The one thing in common is that we all start as hopelessly 'Self' centred people towards God. We have neglected to thank him, realise and say sorry when we offend him, we don't have time for him, think we're better than him, ignore him, just take from him, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Thankfully, God is radically different from people. He is utterly 'Other' centred and the root source of all love. He is totally worthy of our adoration and love because he is who he is. He is the exemplar of good, loveliness and excellence.

But instead of loving him, we sin against him by being 'self' centred people towards him. How blind and destructive!

We would've been stuck forever if Jesus had not come to love us by dying on the cross for our sake. He poured himself out for the sake of Others. His love and 'Other' centredness was so complete and abundant that it overwhelms our 'Self' centredness. Those who receive his love are filled to the brim to overflowing. It purges our self-centred, empty hearts of sin. The tide of Jesus' love and generosity overwhelms sin. How glorious!

A 'Self'-centred person becomes 'Other'-centred when they become 'God'-centred. In Christ, we are not hopelessly stuck in our deep seated 'self' centredness, but are transformed into people who love God, others and even those who don't love us back.




John puts it beautifully:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. (v 7-12)


While D. B. Knox puts it like this (from Selected Works, Vol 1: The Doctrine of God, p155):

Personal relationship is ultimate reality. The basic requirement for the establishment and maintenance of true personal relationship is other-person-centredness, that is, genuine interest in the other person and his welfare and the forwarding of that welfare by every appropriate means at one's disposal. This means that absolute other-person-centredness is the most real thing in being a person.

There can be no trace of self-centredness in true personal relationship. The smallest degree of self-centredness diminishes the relationship. Complete self-centredness is the negation of any personal relationship. The complete absence of relationship between persons is hell.

Since God is actus purus (i.e. there is no mere potentiality in him), his other-person-centredness is complete, and active in conferring benefits on the other person all the time.

The authors quoted use the categories a little differently to me, but you get the idea.

1. Self or Other

I feel like the Dr Nick Riviera of psychology. Hi, Everybody!!

Here are some hack observations. Most people will have no idea what I'm talking about. But some may nod your heads and recognise these traits.

Sometimes, people are 'Self' centred, to the detriment of their regard for 'Others'.

SELF

__________

other

Here are some characteristics of the 'Self' centred person:

• laps up attention and adulation, needs constant affirmation
  
• has an over-inflated ego
  
• self-aggrandizing, has to be / do the best and thought of that way, name-drop and associate themselves with the best
  
• gossipy
  
• their time, opinion and plans are more important than others so they steamroll over others
  
• has no time for other's problems and weaknesses
• likes to tell people how it's really done
  
• thinks they deserve special treatment
  
• are competitive, engages in one-up-(wo)manship
  
• gets envious easily
• gets angry when they don't get their way
  
• gets angry when they are criticised
• finds help, explanation, concession and concern condescending
• controlling
  
• passive-aggressive
  
• are bossy, bullying
  
• if someone were to say sorry, they may want to reply "So you should be"
• it would kill them to say sorry, thanks or pay a compliment properly
• feels threatened by other people's success, happiness, achievement
• gloats in the humiliation, failure of others
  
• are guarded, self-protective and don't let people in into what they are really like
• forges exclusive alliances, thrives on secrecy
  
• tends to dominate over, manipulate or pressure people into doing what they want
  
• plays 'water polo' (players push down on other players to go up in the air): may put others down, step over others, slanders
  
• disregards insults or hurt to others
  
• will act to benefit self even at the detriment of the other
  

May or may not come with: manners, charm, wealth, intelligence, achievement, religion, self-control, insight into reality, genuine affection and admiration.

It's ironic, or paradoxical, but the self-centred person is usually really insecure and do all these things in order to boost a low and fragile self-esteem. They project a (false) desirable image of themselves or appear a certain way to get people to doing what they want (even disguising themselves as their opposite, e.g. posing as the victim, the vulnerable), but the facade is lacking in genuineness and substance. They are empty.



At the other pole, people can be 'Other' centred, to the detriment of their regard for 'Self'.

OTHER

_______________

self

Here are some characteristics of the 'other' centred person:

• sensitive, empathetic, can step into their shoes
  
• affirming, supportive
  
• good listener, attentive, reads people well
• open
  
• humble, servant hearted
  
• considers others' needs, opinions and time first before their own
  
• knows their friends more than vice versa
  
• generous with time, energy and affection
• sticks their necks out for others, put themselves 'out there'
• looks out for the weak
  
• gives people an “out” in an embarrassing situation
• makes time for other's problems, opinions, weaknesses
• can set aside their own feelings for the evening, so as to not 'ruin' other people's fun
  
• gives people the benefit of the doubt, give second, third, seventy-seventh chances
• covers for others, meeting their deficiencies
• may need to set boundaries with 'self' centred people so they are not taken advantage of and used
  
• are a magnet for others with multiple problems and issues
  
• has many lopsided friendships (looks like counselor-client, carer-patient rather than peer-peer relationship)
  
• may be acutely aware of everyone else's needs, but may have difficulty articulating their own feelings and needs
• will act to benefit the other even at the detriment of self
  

May or may not come with: humour, happiness, unhealed wounds, gentleness, warm and fuzzies, self-respect, insight into reality, acknowledgment of being used, guilt, complaints, anger, self-deprecation, self-pity, endurance, tough love, appropriate boundaries.

Funnily enough, the latter may look like a doormat and may be abused by the former, but they are actually more internally robust. They genuinely have 'got it together' and have enough self-respect and love that they can care for others. They are filled.

Together, the Self-centred and the Other-centred person make a natural, but unhealthy relationship. They gravitate to each other because the attention is on the same person! The asymmetry is because of dependence (the self-centred person depends on the other-centred person to give them what they need) and power (the self-centred person needs to control the other-centred person).

Other-centred person often complies or enables the Self-centred person to behave and act how they want. They are exhausted of their resources and feel like their energy is being sucked out of them, vampire style. A relationship between 'self' and 'other' centred people is ultimately flawed and difficult to maintain unless this dynamic is corrected. A 'Self'-'Self' relationship is just destructive, but there's a natural justice in giving as good as they get! However, relationship between two 'Other' centred people is lovely. Their giving of themselves is reciprocated and replenished by the other - they are not exhausted.

Kudos to Mark and DBK who used the categories of 'Self' and 'Other-person' centredness.