If a person persists in being manipulative, abusive and destructive, how do we love them in a way that honors God? What does it mean to show grace to such a person? These are not rhetorical questions. I would love your input.
God hates sin, went to a lot of trouble to get us out of trouble and helps us escape his condemnation. Shouldn't we then be in one accord, keeping the Judgment Day in mind?
Give them chances to change
Repentance starts with identifying a problem. That may mean "having words" with them, which may not be a pleasant conversation (see Nehemiah's acts of 'persuasion'.) In Ezekiel 3, if the prophet failed to warn the wicked, God will hold him accountable for their blood.
It may (or may not) mean seeing them through the phases of acceptance / denial, working through the problem and relapse.
Offering other means of help (counseling, changes in lifestyle).
Remind them of the Day of Judgment, and help them work out whether they are storing up wrath or good works in heaven on their current course.
Take away chances for them to do more damage
Ultimately, one's actions are not anyone else's responsibility but one's own.
But you could help them by setting up appropriate boundaries with the person to help them act on that responsibility. (I saw an ad for self-defense once: "Learn how to stop your brother from sinning against you!")
It may also mean limiting harm done to others (tricky...)
Both of these might stop them incurring more of God's condemnation.
Do not sin yourself
It's easy to act like a victim if you feel victimised. It's easy to slander, to be bitter, to hate, to take revenge. But vengeance is the Lord's.
Ephesians 4:26-27 (ESV) says this about putting away falsehood and speaking truth, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."
See that? Be angry. It's a command (The NIV is obscures the command, by rendering it incidental: "In your anger..."). It's ok to get angry, especially at sin.* It's not ok to sin yourself.
Wait for God
Commit the person to prayer to recognise that it's all God's work. The only agent that can effect change is the powerful spirit of God, who awakens consciences, pierces hearts, humbles, grieves people for their sinfulness.
He is in control. He know what they were like before you did. He is in the spheres of their life that you have no access to. Plus, he is more powerful and cares more about this whole thing than any human.
He sees and remembers everything. And in the end he will reward each of us for our folly or wisdom.
That's all I got. Ideas?
* My friend who worked in Child Protection for 7 years says that getting angry is a good response to child abuse. She says the day that social workers stop getting angry is the day they should get out of the job. (7 years! What stamina)
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6 comments:
i think your point about getting angry is good - especially in the context of Matt 18, with the escalating levels of seriousness called for in reproving your brother, being sure that they know how serious you are, is key. we also talked about this in ephesians lecture the other day.
i wonder if this person knows the danger they are walking into - which is why your point about the judgment is important - but i think (not to make more than you meant out of the order of the points) this is more important than the practical help - you are making a fool of yourself, stepping out of your comfort zone, at the risk of your friendship and self-respect and polite conversation, because you are really worried that their lifestyle is walking them to a place they surely don't want to go. and as long as that is your motivation, and you make that clear, tho it may take a while, i would pray that they would respect your efforts and ask themselves some serious questions - and hopefully thank you for snatching them from the fire.
if your concern is that you feel victimised, perhaps the 2or3 of Matt 18 comes in there? the question is whether it is your brother has sinned against you (as most translations have) or your brother has sin clinging to him (my translation) - do you handle it differently if it is between two of you (reconciling firstly your relationship) or just about them (restoring their relationship with God)?
some thoughts...
Thanks Doug - what you said is really helpful, esp. that the form of reproof should reflect the seriousness of the offense.
Preparing for judgment day is the paramount. The rest is strategy.
I'd forgotten about Jude - what a great verse!
It's strange to think that, on judgment day, the person acting badly is going to be so much worse off than the people they are hurting. They are really the ones in trouble. (Matt 18:5-6)
My current pre-occupation is manipulation. So, to answer two questions:
1) Purposeful deception and maneuvering shows they have awareness. But I'm not how much of the deception includes self-deception. And if they realise how much danger they are in.
2) The victimization is personal (To the point that it can happen right in front of others, but others may not be able to sense it because it's not targeted at them.)
Interesting translation of Matt 18... it's poetic! Does the 'clinging' word come from a textual variant?
How do you think you'd handle person-person case differently to person-God case? I guess it's easier to be objective in the latter case, and you won't have to make any "I feel..." statements!
the 'against you' is the textual variant; my elaboration is from a fuller comprehension of a NT times understanding of sin from Peter Bolt's living with the underworld - clinging being the key concept of hamartia (not so much that you'd sinned against someone, but that you had accumulated muck, got sin stuck on you, that could only be cleansed fully thru Jesus' catharsis).
as regards your last point, i'm still not sure how it works, especially in the case you're speaking of. it's really tough.
i would perhaps want to say to them, 'on the one hand i feel...', which is an issue they may wish to debate with you if they are manipulative (= not helpful), but on the other hand, even tho you may be able to put up with the way they are acting, they are in fact walking themselves away from faith, by continuing to walk in darkness, not in the light; that is, you are worried that they are rejecting the salvation Jesus bought at such a high price - Hebrews 6 and all that.
just from a personal safety (particularly psychologically) i would want to have a friend there - if possible a big, burly one - the wantonness of this abuse is quite disturbing - not to mention that it is from a brother.
don't know if any of this is of use.
Wow - that rendering makes a lovely accompaniment to the cleansing blood of Christ. (Reminds me of something that Driscoll said about sexual sin and the pastoral reminder that the person is cleaned by Christ.)
Yes, confrontation (whether gentle or forceful) with such people is very tricky. Chances are, they may not see that you are concerned for their faith! Plus, it's hard to know what to do with their response: they may get defensive (because they have a clear conscience? or to through you off the scent?), they may convey regret (because they have come to a point of repentance? or to win you trust only to abuse it again later?) Long-term, consistent fruit will show genuineness. I guess that's for Jesus to judge and worry about, really! You can only put forth your side, and their response is their own responsibility.
Hehehe... like what you said about burly men. Even for psychological manipulation, y'think?
Yep, Christians. Jer 17:9-10 "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."
Good thing God gave us grace!
Massively helpful, Dougie - thank you for listening, brother!
I think also in some instances, creating space/boundaries is the healthy thing to do. Sometimes no matter what you say or do, the offender will repeat/fall back on old habits and creating some space - with view to one day being able to reconcile - can be healthy for both parties.
Good one Leng. Great to take a (potentially long) breather.
This also helps convey how serious you are taking the matter. And the break reflects the breach of relationship that's occurred.
And best of all, your 'inactivity' recognises that God is active in that person's life (so you don't have to be there at every point).
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