Grace to the Self-Centred

If a person persists in being manipulative, abusive and destructive, how do we love them in a way that honors God? What does it mean to show grace to such a person? These are not rhetorical questions. I would love your input.

God hates sin, went to a lot of trouble to get us out of trouble and helps us escape his condemnation. Shouldn't we then be in one accord, keeping the Judgment Day in mind?

Give them chances to change
Repentance starts with identifying a problem. That may mean "having words" with them, which may not be a pleasant conversation (see Nehemiah's acts of 'persuasion'.) In Ezekiel 3, if the prophet failed to warn the wicked, God will hold him accountable for their blood.

It may (or may not) mean seeing them through the phases of acceptance / denial, working through the problem and relapse.

Offering other means of help (counseling, changes in lifestyle).

Remind them of the Day of Judgment, and help them work out whether they are storing up wrath or good works in heaven on their current course.


Take away chances for them to do more damage
Ultimately, one's actions are not anyone else's responsibility but one's own.

But you could help them by setting up appropriate boundaries with the person to help them act on that responsibility. (I saw an ad for self-defense once: "Learn how to stop your brother from sinning against you!")

It may also mean limiting harm done to others (tricky...)

Both of these might stop them incurring more of God's condemnation.


Do not sin yourself
It's easy to act like a victim if you feel victimised. It's easy to slander, to be bitter, to hate, to take revenge. But vengeance is the Lord's.


Ephesians 4:26-27 (ESV) says this about putting away falsehood and speaking truth, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."

See that? Be angry. It's a command (The NIV is obscures the command, by rendering it incidental: "In your anger..."). It's ok to get angry, especially at sin.* It's not ok to sin yourself.


Wait for God
Commit the person to prayer to recognise that it's all God's work. The only agent that can effect change is the powerful spirit of God, who awakens consciences, pierces hearts, humbles, grieves people for their sinfulness.

He is in control. He know what they were like before you did. He is in the spheres of their life that you have no access to. Plus, he is more powerful and cares more about this whole thing than any human.

He sees and remembers everything. And in the end he will reward each of us for our folly or wisdom.


That's all I got. Ideas?


* My friend who worked in Child Protection for 7 years says that getting angry is a good response to child abuse. She says the day that social workers stop getting angry is the day they should get out of the job. (7 years! What stamina)